We like to believe that flirting is a light, spontaneous, almost universal game. However, researchers are clear: our seductive behaviors are far from trivial. They are relatively constant and largely influenced by our personality traits.
A study published in the journal Personality and Individual Differences shows that the motivations behind seduction vary greatly from one individual to another. Some flirt out of a desire for connection, others out of pure self-interest. And this difference is not without consequences.
Seducing to “get” something: a warning signal
After several questionnaires, researchers observed a recurring fact. People who use flirting as a tool, to obtain a free drink, favors or a form of power (or restore their ego), more often present traits associated with psychopathy and Machiavellianism.
These profiles are characterized by:
- A lack of empathy;
- Great social ease, sometimes deceptive;
- A tendency towards manipulation;
- Difficulty making a sincere commitment.
In other words, charm can sometimes mask strategy, and that’s where seduction becomes problematic.
In contrast, those who flirt for romantic purposes are more likely to exhibit traits related to humanism, such as authenticity, openness, and empathy.
An era that blurs the codes of seduction
That being said, do we always know if we are using authentic or interested flirting? For psychologist Pascal Anger, not always. Especially since these behaviors cannot be understood without taking into account the current context.
“The way in which men and women approach each other has become very different. Feminism has forced us to rethink the romantic relationship differently, and social networks have profoundly modified the codes.”
Result: flirting today oscillates between gentler, more respectful forms… and others much more abrupt that we do not always master. This transformation can generate anxiety, and create relational imbalances, made of vagueness, lack of commitment and sometimes respect. Very difficult to really know if the person opposite is sincere or interested.
According to the psychologist, part of the problem is our collective difficulty in clearly saying what we are looking for.
“Sometimes we want to be honest and say: ‘I’m looking for something light’. But it is not yet socially easy to assume“.
So we go around. We flirt, we promise without promising, we hint… even if it means creating false hopes. This relational hypocrisy breeds misunderstandings and disappointments, and promotes self-serving flirting styles.
How to recognize sincere flirting with a hidden interest?
Can we really tell the difference? For Pascal Anger, there is no infallible method, but certain reflexes help:
“You have to develop your antennae, observe what’s happening before committing, and trust your intuition.”
Consistency between words and actions, respect for the other’s rhythm, clarity of intentions are often good indicators. And above all, dare to be transparent, even imperfect.
How to ensure flirting without a second thought? The psychologist offers a recipe that has already proven itself:
“Be spontaneous, honest in discussions, have humor, and above all remain respectful. And don’t tell stories.”
Because deep down, science and psychology agree on one point: the most attractive flirt remains the one that doesn’t cheat.